Hey y’all. My name is Susan, and I’m a Mega Moo Mocha Moolatte-aholic. It’s been 98 days since my last Mega Moo. Also, I have not visited the Cold Stone Creamery all summer. And yet, my weight still hovers right at that #@! mark. What is the deal here? I’ve been good, really I have. I have Jazzercised, Body Sculpted and been personally tortured, all to no avail. My body positively clings to fat, as if storing it up for a long hibernation. I’m beginning to believe that it is part of my divine design to be VOLUPTUOUS.
Sigh…oh, well. Que sera, and all that. Anyway, my top ten list from last week brought to mind another:
Here are the top ten things you do NOT want to hear a Jazzercise instructor say:
10. This next routine is Pilates based. Joseph Pilates is a sadist, I tell you. This routine will hurt you today and tomorrow. It is the gift that keeps on giving. This is a good time to go powder your nose.
9. We’re going to work our abdominals, with some arm work for free. Songs that work multiple muscle groups will not only hurt you, they will make you look like a spastic seal in the process, because they require entirely too much coordination and you have to think about what you’re doing. Hey, I just want to dance. Put on some Nelly, would you?
8. On your knees. Nothing good ever happens on your knees except prayer, and we don’t do a lot of that at Jazzercise…not out loud anyway.
7. Myra, this is your part. Now, this is something that an instructor (other than Myra) with the microphone says when Myra is taking her class and she wants Myra to sing. This is done for comic relief. Bless her heart, she tries. The last time this happened, eleven dogs were howling in the parking lot after class. Myra is the caring and nurturing one. And she is beautiful and thin…but the girl can’t sing a lick.
6. Leg weights on around the ankles. This is never, ever good. You will be lucky to be able to walk to your car.
5. Don’t forget to breathe. This means that someone looks like they’re about to pass out. It could be you.
4. Keep dancing…Beverly will call 911. This means someone actually has passed out, but if you heard the announcement, it isn’t you.
3. I’m going to the Caribbean (or Europe, or San Francisco, or wherever). Major vacations call for major toning. You will pay for her beautiful vacation pictures.
2. I’ve joined Jenny Craig. Okay, this chic is the looniest tune on the block. A size 4 woman who thinks she’s fat (or that her derriere is fat or whatever, Diane) is TROUBLE. She will hurt you.
And the #1 thing you never want to hear a Jazzercise instructor say…
I’m getting married! Next May! (If this is July, she has 10 months to get as thin and toned as possible for her BIG DAY because the pictures will last a lifetime.) This is a dangerous woman. Avoid her classes if at all possible, because her workouts are your workouts, and she is on a mission. She will hurt you bad.